We all have it. That
nagging ache that hits you and keeps hitting you.
I could have tried harder to breastfeed. I should not have let her watch that movie. I wish I didn’t have to work. He’d be better off if I were working (outside
the home of course). I … insert your
“woulda, coulda, shoulda” here.
 |
| Photo credit: Beth Kanter on Flickr; no amendments |
Yes, we all experience the nagging pain of feeling we are
failing our children. Daily, probably,
for most of us.
I’ve decided mommy guilt must be a necessary and natural
part of child rearing. After all, most
of the time we are so tired and overwhelmed, the mommy guilt (or the threat of
it) may be the only thing motivating us to act in any given circumstance.
However, most of us could stand to carry around A LOT LESS
mommy guilt. Really. Most of us are pretty good moms. Most of us are giving the mom thing top
priority while simultaneously trying to advance or at least maintain our
careers, feed our marriages, lose our baby weight, and maintain a semblance of
sanity and soul health. We are making the choices that best serve the family. Constant and
unrelenting mommy guilt does not advance these causes.
Here’s my proposal for handling mommy guilt:
·
Recognize and acknowledge its presence
·
Recognize and acknowledge how it affects your
decisions and your mood
·
Then, LET IT GO!
Easier said than done, I know. Since I’m not any kind of
therapist or coach, I won’t try to offer advice on how to let it go. I can say,
however, that some of the same tools you can use to manage depression or
anxiety would be useful here:
visualization, meditation and cognitive behavioral or other talk therapy
could all be helpful.
But what if you can’t just let it go?
Some of us have a hard time letting go of certain
emotions. Some of us have a hard time
letting go of any emotions. Some of us
have never had an issue holding on, but suddenly find ourselves wrapped around
this mommy guilt like white on rice. And
some of us actually have some sort of mental health condition that needs to be diagnosed.
Anxiety and depression can show up at any age. If you’re unable to stop beating yourself up
for your decisions as a mother, go see
someone. Start with your primary
care provider or find a counselor / psychotherapist. Maybe all you need is a little support for a
limited period of time, a way of looking at things in a new way, some new tools
for controlling emotion. Or maybe you’ll
find that there is something medical going on, like your thyroid isn’t working,
or you’re pre-diabetic. And perhaps
you’ll find out that you would benefit from a prescription, whether “natural”
or pharmaceutical. Regardless of the
outcome, you’re sure to feel better when you stop beating yourself up so much
and start patting yourself on the back once in a while.
And friends, let’s always try to pat each other on the
back. Remember to acknowledge your mom
friends. Look for ways to help the moms
you run into at the store and the playground.
Sometimes it’s just a look, a glance even, that shouts out “I get it.” Sometimes it’s holding the door, or letting
someone cut the line. It doesn’t always
have to be a grand gesture. Let’s
remember that our judgmental thoughts are perceived, and contribute to the
collective mom shaming culture. And
let’s remember that a smile or a nice gesture goes miles further than you
realize. Let’s build each other up, one
mom at a time.
